Riding the highs but mainly the lows

‘You’re a mess’ 3 words that politely got hurdled my way today…

I know, I know, there are bigger issues going on in the world. A couple of broken bones in my ankle and a broken thumb too? boo*f**king*hoo! Truth is, I am really fed up and I am yet to see any positive enlightening experience to come out of this. Everyone keeps telling me I’ll find some new interesting hobby, I’ll appreciate health even more than I already do, ‘I’ll this, I’ll that’ but honestly, I just feel, hmmmm, I’m not quite sure…

I am nearing the 4 week mark since my cross country ski accident, the 2 week mark of being in a ‘boot-cast’ and the 25th day of practicing patience over frustration. Today, I am feeling a mixture of the two and I feel like writing about it might help with the up-raw of emotions I can’t seem to put on mute.

The end of 2019 brought change and with that change brought a new perspective. I was really ready to take on 2020 and run into the new year with big wide open arms. I had a new burst of energy. One that I hadn’t felt for some time and I didn’t want to waste a second of it. I was ready to put my heart & soul into training and reap the benefits later on in the year as I visualized toeing the start line of my first 100 miler followed by a few 100+km races shortly after. However, the new year didn’t start all that well and 4 days in I managed to wipe out on what was supposed to be a relaxed cross country ski…

Goat Creek is a a 19km trail that travels between Banff and Canmore directly behind the Rundle mountain range. A trail I had ridden and ran numerous times during summer but had never set out to do on cross country skis. Despite the grey skies and wind, the fresh snow and grooming provided enough motive to go get after it that day! And honestly? I am so glad I did! It’s such a good ski trail and I can’t wait to get back out on it (most likely with more caution and better judgement). But as they say ‘we live and we learn’…

Half way through the trail heading west towards Banff there’s a slight downhill with a sharp right hand turn onto a narrow bridge. I’ve read about this bridge before and I’ve also been warned of this bridge too. Hmm, I even advise other skiers of of it in my day job. But, for some unknown reason I decided to power down that hill like I was going for Gold at the Olympics. I had it all planned in my mind that I would shoot across the bridge with grace and ski stop at the other side, glancing back at my friend with a ‘Did you just see that?’ kinda look. But, with no time to slow down and absolutely no time to stop I recall realizing that this wasn’t going to pan out like I’d hoped. And just like that, I punched one side of the bridge with my right hand and I somehow managed to fall with one ski pointing in one direction and one ski hanging off of the bridge. My left ankle took the full impact causing me to abruptly stop, sideways on the trail. My instant thought was ‘F**K I’VE BROKE MY FOOT’  but for someone who often finds themselves in ridiculous situations like this, I have become an absolute wizard of not panicking, staying calm and carrying on.

So far on the trail we had passed a handful of people but all of a sudden there were skiers flying by on the bridge trying not to crash as they spotted me at the last minute. Quite a sight to see! Anyway, my friend hadn’t seen me crash as he was too busy dusting off the snow from his fall earlier (what a pair of rookies!!!) so he just asked if I was okay and if I wanted to carry on. At that point we were 10 km’s deep with pretty much 10 km’s to go so it was a no brainer that I wanted to keep on going. After all, pizza & beer awaited at the end and if I hadn’t already earn’t it, I sure had after that wipe out!

But as I continued to ski I felt progressively worse. My ankle felt really tender and my thumb was bleeding from the nail bed. It also looked as if  I’d bent my nail back in half (turns out that was the fracture line I could see). I somehow managed to mute the pain after I got going again and I was actually skiing pretty damn well. As soon as we got to Banff it was a hospital visit to assess the damage and pizza & beers were put on hold. Hurrah! no broken ankle and just a broken thumb to contend to. I can live with that! A week passed and my ankle had swelled, de-swelled, bruised and morphed into what looked like the incredible hulk but, I could walk and bear weight and although it hurt at times I could get by! sooooo I figured it was just bruising / ligament damage and a quick trip to the physio would have me back up running/skiing/biking in no time! However, that physio appointment led to a CT scan a week later and after 2 weeks post accident I found out I fractured my ankle not once, but twice! ‘For F******ckkksssss Sake Fayeeee’.

As I said when I first started this post I know there are terrible things happening in the world, there are terrible things happening to good people and a couple of broken bones are not the do all and end all but, IT HIT ME HARD! Being told I needed to be in a boot cast for 6-8 weeks and not weight bare was a scary thought for me. Little miss independent didn’t feel so independent anymore and ‘a full recovery if everything goes well in 12 weeks’ had me frantically calculating the days ahead. ‘So late February might see me without the boot, mid March might see me lightly jogging but it’s going be months until my fitness is where it’s at currently and racing? I’ve just spent X amount of $ planning out my summer…’ I felt shattered! As if I’d instantly just lost my identity, the part of me that makes me, me! But this is ‘only’ a passion of mine. It’s not my full time job. It’s not something I get paid for. I do it because I enjoy it and here I am throwing around phrases like ‘What is my life now?’. Time for a reality check…

4 weeks have passed and I’ve been on a little bit of a soul searching mission. I took a social media hiatus by deleting both the Strava and Facebook app and well, I’m definitely still scrolling through Instagram (That’s more of an unhealthy obsession…lol) On the whole though, I really thought i’d jump into FOMO mode! Watching everyone get after it and secretly pining inside that I was missing out. But, overall I don’t feel like I am. Of course, if I had the opportunity to go play outdoors right now I would jump at it but, if anything this injury hasn’t had me green eyed and envious instead, it’s brought this horrible realization that other than finding happiness through sports and being active I don’t really have a lot of broader interests (and that’s coming from a girl who used to be INTERESTED IN EVERYTHING!) What happened to me?!

Disclaimer: *this is isnt some enlightining post*. There are so many articles out there that i’ve read where people have had injuries that have sidelined them for weeks and they find themselves fulfilling their lives with other things they are super-duper interested in. I on the other hand have sat here *trying* to be interested in things and getting nothing in return. I have read a pile of books. I have started online courses. I have been hammering situps and other strength work that I am able to do without weight bearing my foot. I’ve been painting (this kind of sucks when you’re right handed and broke your right thumb but everyone loves a try’er!). I’ve been waking up for sunrises and dusting off my camera to capture the moment. I’ve been getting out of the house and driving. I’ve been socializing. I’ve been journalling. I’ve honestly been trying my hardest at everything other than being active but, nothing gives me the sweetest satisfaction than being outside and putting in the miles. And with that realization has come a downward spiral of overthinking and overanalyzing absoloutely everything! Not to mention I have become this antsy, adjitated person especially around people who grate on me at the best of times. I’ve started dreaming about a new job. I’ve started worrying about money. In what feels like a very short space of time, this great big grey cloud has gotten bigger over my head, darker in color and suddenly downpoured and it just wont stop raining whereas, just shy of a month ago honey couldnt have tasted any sweeter. Oh what a curveball!

And that’s not to say I live, breath and eat running. I mean I do BUT, I do other things and enjoy them too but, right now I just can’t seem to find enjoyment in the simplest of things and it’s kinda worrying and stressing me the fu*k out.

Being injured has become this mental battle of patience vs frustration. I know I am not going to be injured forever and it won’t be long until I am back out there givin’er! I’m being kind to my body in the process of waiting it out. I’m a long distance runner and it’s not often I take this long of a rest period so, I can only see it as a physical process to heal and rejuvenate. Infact, I even caught up with the sports med doctor today who told me I can start to weight bare by the end of the week (with physio just shy of a week away) so recovery seems to be going REALLY WELL! Yet, in the meantime I am on this frustrating journey of trying to find happiness in life outside of activities that may not always be an option for me. Maybe this is the ‘enlightining experience’ I needed to have. Maybe breaking an ankle and having time to sit with my thoughts has done me a favour. Afterall, they say life is full of ups and downs and stumble blocks in the road often lead to beautiful transformations.

It’s really NOT the injury I am batterling (although I won’t downplay it, weight bearing one leg SUCKS! and I am forever greatful for those who have taken time to help me when I’ve been struggling physically) but overall, I’d say this injury has led me to dig deeper within myself. It’s taking me to a couple of dark places but I am hoping when I come out of it I’ll be able to feel a little lighter and find actual happiness in other things that don’t necessarily involve miles and movement. It’s funny how we react different each time there’s a hurdle. I swear a few months ago when I had a minor injury I was the happiest person in the world, recovery was quick and it was as if I’d jumped over said hurdle spritzing unicorn-dust as I went by. This time round, I’ve stopped right in front of it and set up camp in a bloody monsoon. I guess thats the interesting (potentially *fun*) thing about life you just never know what it’s going to bring and you just never know how you’re going to react but I certainly can’t wait to overcome whatever it is I am currently going through. Oh & being able to walk again would be nice too. 🙂