2 A.M. Reflections

This time last year I wrote an article called ‘Set a fire alight & it just keeps burning’ – I was ending 2019 FIRED UP heading into 2020 with so much energy! I was fresh out of a relationship that had come full circle, I had re-connected with old acquaintances and I was expanding my social life (Big news for this introvert), I was 6 months deep into having a coach and I just came off of an incredible race season with a body that had never felt so conditioned and so strong. I was full of optimism, a new lust for life and it was all really exciting & then 2020 hit – you weird & wonderful year…

Honestly? I didn’t know last year that I needed a 2020 year but, apparently the world thought everyone could do with a little time out – y’know some time to make us all sit with our thoughts, reflect a little (hmm – reflect a lot?!) ‘gifting’ us all with blank canvases of weeks and months to take a few steps back, to take each day as it comes and never allowing ourselves to get too many steps ahead. For some, this has been really hard. I genuinely feel for the busy-bees of the world, for the socialites, the world travelers, the go-getters, the plan makers – I really feel for you!
It’s been hard for us introverts too and especially hard for the goal driven individual introverts, who really like to work towards things which are months ahead of time. What’s the point when the future is so unclear? but, isn’t it always unclear? Did we need a pandemic to hit for us all to realize that day to day ‘normal’ living isn’t guaranteed? Maybe. Who knows. I for one have had a very interesting year, (as I am sure you all have too) and as I sit here at 2 a.m. unable to sleep, again… I’ve taken my thoughts for what they are and jotted them down.
Note: I am no one of importance. I am just me. Perfectly imperfect with an over active mind and still a great thirst for life given the ordeals, set-backs and very spark contrasts 2020 has brought.

1. Have goals, big lofty, insane goals but, embrace the journey of them, the good and the bad – especially the bad!
   As I mentioned above, I stepped into 2020 with so much energy. My ‘new years gift’ was to sign up to Sinister Triple (3 endurance events) – I couldn’t wait to tell my coach. I couldn’t wait to start the build. But then, I could wait. Life made me wait when it put me in a boot cast and said ‘No activity for 4 months’. 4 painful months – physically & mentally. For someone who loves to be super duper active, day in day out, this through a spanner into the works. As each week went by, I watched my fitness decline, I watched a beautiful graph I’d worked hard for reduce to a flat line. I felt disconnected from my norm and I had zero control of my emotions. Some days I’d just get home from work and go to sleep. I was SO bored, so frustrated and looking back a little anxious & depressed. I could not for the life of me make any sense of what this whole experience was trying to teach me but, in hindsight this set back brought me the following:
   –  4 months to take it easy = 4 months to find joy in other areas of life (I got there, eventually) – random home hobbies, you name it, I tried it!
   – Random acts of kindness are real and there are truly beautiful souls out there! (A lady who could barely walk herself, linked arms with me to help me walk across an icy sidewalk – Oh, my heart. Not to forget the guy who bought me a bottle of wine when I face planted on ice outside the liquor store…ekkk).
   – Starting over feels really good and weekly progress even better – who knew a 2 minute ‘run’ with a 3 minute walk could feel SO good.
   – Not taking small things for granted like getting up in the middle of the night to pee (stumbling around your room in the dark with crutches at 3 a.m. trying not to wake your household is NO joke) also, walking with a cup of coffee in 1 hand and a pack of biscuits in the other is 100% underrated especially when you’re on crutches.
   – My fave game around the house when I was younger was ‘How can I move around using furniture because the floor is realllly hot lava’ – having a broken ankle in adult life kind of sparks the same playfulness ‘will this stair banister hold my weight if I just slide down it with my laundry bag? (On that note no training = less smelly laundry, winning!)
2. People change, let go. 
   I have been AWFUL for holding onto feelings that I think I feel. I can find space in my heart and my head to hold onto people, relationships, memories in the hopes that ‘One day….’ The warm fuzzies?…. I am THE greatest at looking back and putting meaning to that phrase. Nostalgia USED to be my best friend. YEAH – NO. Not anymore thanks to 2020.
   Nostalgia is beautiful for exactly that ‘longing for or thinking fondly of a past time’ – lets highlight the ‘PAST’ time here. It’s great to have beautiful memories and beautiful memories with people you’ve had great connections with. But, remember, people change. People change daily let alone over the course of years. If a relationship or situation ended, it ended for a reason. Don’t go digging it back up years later. But if you do, take it from me, know that you will find closure and sometimes closure is what you need to be able to finally open your heart and be able to…
3. Love. Love. Love – Yes, LOVE!
   Yikes. I’ve grew to dislike that word in all of it’s romantic context. I will admit romantically, I am a closed book. I’m very emotionally tuned out from that aspect of my life and even when I start to feel something for someone I can easily reject it and dismiss those feelings as simply ‘not today’. I hope that one day I can open myself back up to that kind of love. But, I have been working on a new kind of love and that’s the love I have for myself. During 2020, I have been showing up for me. I have been putting in the work for me. I have been loving life’s journey for me. I have been throwing moments that bring me joy into a box of things I love and I have been opening that box often. Through my 20’s I always got told that you can’t let a romantic love in unless you love yourself first. I never really understood that but, I’ve been understanding it and I’m really happy with the self-work, self-care and self-love that I’ve been doing. People are always rushing. Rushing from one person to the next, from one experience to the next, I don’t know, perhaps filling empty voids? I’ve done it too. But, if you work on yourself and love yourself within, there’s never a day that you won’t feel empty or less of a being or the need to feel validated from anyone but yourself. And you can find love in so many different areas of life, whether it’s a good book, or a great sunrise, or a conversation, or a deep belly laugh – it doesn’t haven to be through another being and I think that’s beautiful!
4. Show up. Be Consistent. Stay humble and be your own fan!
   As I mentioned earlier I love goal setting and working consistently to achieve them. My goals of 2020 (race wise) were already put on the back burner before the pandemic hit us all and, with so much uncertainty for future events it’s perhaps unlikely that I’ll be able to tick them off in 2021. BUT, is that a reason to not do the things that bring us so much joy? and to not pat ourselves on the back when we overcome setbacks and see progression, races or no races?
   For me I find enjoyment in movement and I am one of  a growing number of individuals who really likes to push themselves through running endurance (some might say, I am one of those crazies) but, I love pushing my body to new limits and seeing how far it will take me. I find I grow so much through physical, self-inflicted, endurance ‘suffering’ (Yes, I am 100% one of them crazies!) that it would have to take more than a pandemic to dull my sparkle and take away that drive. But, the setbacks 2020 has brought also came with the realization that I wasn’t where I was at fitness wise towards the end of 2019 so when I ventured out for a couple of ‘close to home adventures’ this past summer which could still be considered as ‘endurance goals’ I was immediately faced with the humbling realization that I was not where I was at pre ankle-break. Another reason to feel disheartened? Absolutely! but, also a reason to add more fuel to the fire and to love the build. The build of getting back to where I was at. The drive to be consistent. To keep doing what it is that I love. Races or no races, goals or no goals, showing up to what makes us happy is key. On that note, endurance doesn’t happen over night so for me the longer I can train the more efficient I am becoming and I really love that thought – thank you 2020 for buying me time!
5. Live intently 
   Listen, look, communicate and simply be with so much intent. Find connection and dig deeper into it. I don’t really know how to phrase this one. But, I’ve tried to stay as present as possible with every moment this past year. Life is precious and connections are even more so. I have never felt so distanced to my family than I have this past year thanks to the pandemic and honestly, I am not a ‘home bird’ meaning I’ve lived comfortably alone in different countries since I was 19 (I’m now 30). But, not being able to have the options to jump on a plane to see family or for them to visit has been a wake up call that I might have needed to live with more intent. To not take moments for granted. To be fully present in conversations with those near and far. To never take a hand hold or a hug or a kiss for granted. To live with intent and to present in the moment is everything. Because, life is fragile and 2020 has proven that we never know when we will see those we care for next.

So yes, despite welcoming 2021 into our lives tomorrow and it being a chance to ‘start over again’ on a very realistic note, not that much will change. We will still wake up tomorrow and the pandemic will still be in our lives. 2021 will still be full of uncertainty faced with it’s challenges just as 2020 was. People will go through highs and lows. There will be more bold, stark contrasts. But, outlook is everything. Life is not meant to be this smooth sailing happy road. Instead it’s meant to be lived. It’s a beautiful journey with so much variety thrown into it and it’s been so great to dive deeper into my own being and personal journey this past year. So on that note ‘Happy New Year’ – I hope this year brings to you whatever it is you’re seeking and thriving for in all of it’s beautiful context. For me, I’m excited, excited for another year of all of it’s possibilities and uncertainties.