2022 Rambles

We’re less than a couple of weeks out from 2023 and as always I look at the winter holiday period as a time to reflect on the year as a whole and to start preparing myself for the year to come. It’s the time of year where I get fired up about the forthcoming year, specifically targeted towards running goals.

I’ve lived in an “Annual-goal-focused-running-related” mind set since 2016 and although some days I have to remind myself that running is a recreational hobby and not a professional undertaking (lol), I do love having BIG, super obnoxious, outrageous-to-me goals that keep me accountable in my recreational life but, also in my day-to-day life.

When 2022 rolled around,  I wasn’t in a great place. I tend to endure the highest of highs to the lowest of lows which are the result of circumstances that I simply cannot control. I let situations sit heavy and it really dictates the way I feel and at, the end of 2021 I wasn’t doing so great.

I tried my hardest to start 2022 with positivity: “Control what you can control and for everything that you can’t, just let it be…” and for the most part the new year was off to a ‘not so bad’ start. I had a new goal to keep me focused “Fat Dog” (A 120 mile race in BC) and starting that training block kept me accountable (Not just to move but, to getting out of bed somedays).

Winter Training

Re-winding it back a couple of weeks to the end of 2021…circumstances & life stresses meant that I took it upon myself to pick up a 2nd job. This meant scheduling training in, in the very early hours of the morning (Somedays as early as 4:30-5am) which cut into my hours of sleep / R&R. I was showing up to a day job that started at 7:30am tired. A day job that was over working me mentally. Then when 5:30pm rolled around, I was scraping the energy together to head to a 2nd job that was physically focused (Cleaning) to try to alleviate some of the financial pressures I was facing from situations that were out of my control. By the time I got into bed it was close to 11pm; ready to do it all over again the next day. This went on for 4 months.

It was the start of a busy year and although it was great to see how much I had in the tank, by March the busy life was overrated, unglamorous and I think if I hadn’t have found a new day job and decided to prioritize my own health & sanity over everything else, I would have ran myself flat into the ground.

Winter cross training

With that being said the first quarter of the year had come and gone and as soon as April hit, change was the ongoing theme. Throughout the life changes, one thing remained consistent: I never missed a work out whilst training towards Fat Dog. I didn’t want this “Get up, to get on with it” attitude to get in the way of what I enjoy and although what I usually enjoy wasn’t so enjoyable at the time (Those first few months of training were far from memorable, nor very favorable), I am glad I had the courage to keep showing up (The  biggest take away of 2022).

A quick get away to find dirt & ‘warm’ weather in Spring before starting a new job!

Spring skiing!

The next few months were on the up;  I was mentally engaged in a new job, my dad & his partner visited after 4 years without seeing one another (Thanks Covid) and I became a Canadian Citizen (WoooHooo!). But, most of all, life had balance again and I felt I had come through on the other side. Stresses I found myself in at the beginning of the year had come and gone and I realized that at any point situations can change. You can put in the work and the time (Even if it is hard work and there doesn’t always feel like there’s enough hours in the day), to get yourself out on the other side.

Teaching my dad “Biathlon”

Moments with my dad! (Showing him the Canmore Nordic Centre, where I used to work & spend a lot of my spare time).

Although I kept showing up to train, my heart & soul didn’t feel it in the way that it usually does. I was noticing my perceived effort level felt higher most of the time and I didn’t feel as if I was progressing through training. I felt stagnant. My coach stated how I needed to train my mental game because physically I was right were I needed to be at. Perhaps I had put it into my head that those first few months had over worked me and the combination of life stress and training had hindered my fitness. Somedays I felt I was training with 2 legs made of lead, my ankles were swollen and every step felt like I was trudging through mud. Other days felt like I was on track. I got myself checked out but, my blood work all came back fine. My doctor had suggested I get some tests that look into the structure / function of my heart to see if that could be related to feeling off some days and the swelling of my ankles. I am really interested in my own body and how it has adapted to stress and ultra training over the years so I agreed that this would be beneficial but, not something I wanted to do directly before my biggest race yet.

Just one of the many stunning views of training days

An early summer training run often means snow high up in the alpine

Summer was in full fledge and I was enjoying life outside of training. Those days of “Choose your own Adventures”, late afternoon Gravel Rides, catching fish & cooking tasty dinners, reading books, watching sunsets and enjoying a beer on the deck. I was daydreaming of not training and not having to be so goal specific (After all, training was something I was supposed to be doing for fun). I was counting down the days to race but, ultimately counting down the days so I could enjoy movement without structure. I always said I would continue training and pursing lofty goals until my head and heart wasn’t in it anymore or, I physically wasn’t capable of going the distance. I was questioning whether this was it. I sat with the thought over every long training run this past summer and fully believed that I was ready to toe the start line of Fat Dog but, to equally cross the finish line and be content with where ultra running had taken me.

Post work fish adventures

Mid gravel ride naps in the sun

Of course, the race went extremely well & I loved every minute of it (Even the stomach churning, nauseating, monster blisters I endured around the 90 mile mark – you can read about it in detail here. ) The highs and lows I went through during that race mimicked the highs and lows I had fought through the year thus far. If anything, it was showing me I can get through anything I put my mind to and knowing how strong I felt when I crossed that finish line gave me a sense of motivation and spark for training and ultra racing that had been missing, well, pretty much all year long. I was definitely embracing the runners’ post-race high but, I knew deep down that this feeling wasn’t one I wanted to give up on yet.

My goal of 2022! Those midnight finish line feels after 40 hrs of movement with my A+ dream support team

However, the end of Fat Dog meant the end of structured training for 2022 and what I refer to as “Off season”. I kept the feelings of excitement and curiosity of finishing Fat Dog close to my heart but, I equally kept the feelings of how I felt leading up to the race in the forefront of my head. It was time for a break & time to hit the re-set button. Time to do whatever I want, when I want and I took full advantage of that starting 5 days after toeing the finish line; trail running adventures, gravel riding, mountain biking, sunset hikes, fastpacking, run to fish, run for beer, run for the sake of running. I had the most wonderful summer and fall and I feel like I gained my spark again for movement and a deep appreciation for rest and relaxation.

Off season run

Sunset Fish

Making more memories with this guy.

During this down period, I also took it upon myself to put my requisition to use and get my Echocardiogram test done. Funnily enough I got a phone call to schedule the test in just days after completing Fat Dog. The results came as a surprise but, I wasn’t totally shocked because I knew something was off. The results showed that my left atrial is enlarged & that I have a mildly leaking valve and a moderately leaking valve. Ummmmmm what?! *Mitral Valve Regurgitation* the doctor reiterated back to me, “It explains your very swollen ankles”. In a very non scientific description; heart valves control blood flow through the heart. When a valve is leaking it doesn’t fully close meaning blood transports back into the heart. This can make the heart work harder. Unfortunately, there isn’t a cure for this and it progressively gets worse with time eventually leading to surgery to repair (If symptoms worsen. Sometimes you can live with leaky valves and have zero symptoms). Although I wasn’t shocked, I must admit I stared blankly at my doctor wondering “What does this mean?”. She re-assured me if I had anything majorly concerning to worry about I wouldn’t be running 120+ miles & feeling ‘a-okay’ the next day (Her words, not mine). She told me she would reach out to a Cardiologist in Calgary and if anything was pressing they would be following up with me. Weeks passed and I heard nothing but, by this point I’d read 10 articles and ordered a book about how too much exercise can kill you (Basically going against everything my doctor had told me to do lol). I kind of felt in limbo reiterating to myself “I thought I was done training” “I didn’t want to run ultras again” “But I’ve had one of the best races of my life & I’m not finished” “Here I am being told that I might not be able to train for a big ultra distance again”, “Did I bring this on myself through stress at the beginning of the year?”, “Is this related to years of low iron?”, “What about that time when I was 16 and decided I was ‘fat’ and to skip meals. Did that cause it?”, “Is this my own fault?”, “Could I have done something different?”, “Wait, was I born this like this?” blahdy blahhhh!

An evening fall run

A few weeks later when I was in Whistler crewing a race for a friend, I received a call from a Cardiologist about having a 2nd set of tests done (Another Echocardiogram and a Stress Test). Without going into detail these 2 tests were done quicker than my first and I passed the Stress Test with flying colors. My results came back a few weeks after, that showed my left atrial wasn’t ‘as enlarged’ as it originally appeared and my valves were both leaky but both considered “Mild”. My doctor was/is not concerned and has told me “As an endurance athlete you have to remember that your heart is a muscle and its structure will change over time, like any other muscle in the body. As you get stronger, your heart gets stronger and that’s what we’re seeing with the left atrial enlargement.”. The leaky valves well, it’s hard to know whether that is related to running, stress or, just something I was born with….

Celebrating my best friend achieving her goal!

Due to the nature of ultra running (Running in low heart rates for extended periods of time) I have currently been given the all clear to resume training and to focus again on another lofty goal but, to really listen to my body and if anything ever feels off during a training session to make sure I get myself looked at. “Roger that”! I do feel as an endurance runner, I am very in-tune with my body and I always know when something is off, I just have to not over-think every pain or, off feeling. My doctor also reminded me that “Running 100+ miles is a big deal and that running that distance and beyond isn’t necessarily a healthy pursuit, so to be kind to myself”. This was something I had to sit with.. Knowing how I felt when I crossed the finish lines of Fat Dog (which turned out to be 127 miles in total with 8400m) actually felt okay and I was kind of dismissing the distance as “oh yah, 100 miles, and…” but, this was because I was perfectly trained and rested (Thanks to my amazing coach, Jen Segger). Endurance running, especially 100+ miles, does require a huge commitment to structured training and races of that distance do put a huge strain on the body so ultimately they are a big deal!

Enjoying some R&R hours after FatDog

I guess news like this effects people different. Some people would be scared. Some fascinated. Outsiders who don’t understand the world of “Ultra Running” may be like “Hmm, don’t you think you’ve had enough now?” “‘What’s the point” “Why?”. Currently, I am in a very neutral state but, some days when I am pursuing outdoor pursuits and my perceived effort is low yet my HR is high, I do get anxious and my mind starts to spiral which probably doesn’t help the situation but, with all this said, I will absolutely not be giving up on it so soon. If anything, this kind of news has given me a much broader lens to look through heading into the future especially when it comes down to my “Why” and what running related goals I want to focus on.

Annual run trip to Squamish

Let’s be honest, ultra running is an ego-istic, selfish sport. We, “ultra runners” run big distances, we rack up vert, we train in all kinds of weather and temperatures at all times of the day, we flex, we promote ourselves, some of us may get sponsorships whether it be in the form of gear and/or $, we idolize others and others idolize us yet, it’s also a sport that requires a huge level of commitment and focus. It’s a sport where we can delve deeply into ourselves. We learn what our body and mind’s are capable of, we get to go to dark places deep within a pain cave to ultimately come out on the other side. In the process we learn about science, nutrition, cross training, strength training ultimately, how far the human body can be pushed and how to safely achieve it. And, as much as it’s a solo sport it’s equally a team sport where we can learn from one another yet, we also rely on other’s time and energies to get us through from the start to the finish of our big goals. We learn how to navigate through life, using the tools we have built upon during training and racing. It’s just this really fascinating bigger picture that I still want to curiously explore and for a brief moment, I thought it was going to be taken away from me and within that moment I realized it’s something I don’t want to lose, not yet anyway and if I can train without over training then I don’t fear too much about pushing for a bigger distance and ultimately a bigger goal.

Running for the sake of running!

With that being said, if I don’t know how long I can continue to do this then I have to save my energies (& my heartbeats lol) for exciting journeys. I want to build upon the foundations that I have already established both physically & mentally (When I am trained, I am the strongest version of myself!). I also don’t want to train and race purely because I can. When I reflect on the past couple of years, I have already achieved my ‘then to me goals’ and I have absolutely nothing to prove on who I am or, what I can achieve. I am confident in myself as an ultra runner. But, I  have definitely been on an inwards journey of “My Why” over the latter part of 2022. I have taken more rest days, I have gained more pounds, I have de-trained in order to re-train so, I am not continuously putting my body under stress. I am using my energies, my enthusiasm and my love for running, distance and racing to explore new to me territory, to get the most out of this ultra running journey. I have spent time browsing races that fall outside of Alberta, outside of Canada, ones that take me International but, not necessarily the popular, media-influenced ones. I want to invest my time and energy into something really exciting and so for 2023 I have chosen to “Race across Scotland”.

I can’t wait to get out and start eating mountains for training again!

A 215 mile single push race (100 hour time limit) that will take me from the Western coastal town of Portpatrick to the Easten coastal down of Cocksburnpath in Southern Scotland. Unlike previous races the vert for this one is around 7200m (Which over a 200+ mile race is rather runnable and very different to the races I have been drawn towards over the past couple of years). The mindset of going into this race is that of self-support (Whilst taking advantage of what looks like excellent aid stations put on by the race). I have invited my parents to travel across the country and check in at some of the checkpoints along the course (They haven’t had a chance to see me ultra running and I want them to be part of it!) My dad always took me to race meets and cross country races across the UK when I was younger so I really want him and my mum to see how far I have come with running and to see what it’s all about. I haven’t been back to the UK since 2016 so I will be combining this race with a vacation, spending roughly 2.5-3 weeks in the UK. I would love my partner to come with but, it doesn’t quite align with his work schedule and racing is a selfish pursuit that I am sure he has much better things to be doing! The “Race across Scotland” is also really appealing as it’s involves me learning ‘new-to-me’ skills (Navigation: map reading / compass skills). Although the race route follows the Southern Upland Coastal track it’s not pin flagged during the day and not reflective flagged during the night so, it will require a new level of attention (Especially when I get a couple of days in). All in all this race is a whole new level of ultra running that I am excited to delve into.

We’re all given one life and although running doesn’t bring me an annual pay cheque and racing doesn’t provide any tangibles (except for maybe a few race bibs and finisher medals), I really, really, REALLY enjoy it! And in all honesty, training & racing for big goals isn’t something I am always going to do. So whilst I am a 32 yr old with no huge commitments (Kids being one of them), I am going to continue to commit to the things that I enjoy! 2022 has continued to teach me that things really are out of our own control and although I need to prioritize health, I need to enjoy life too. Situations can quickly change so taking myself too seriously and putting myself into situations where I burn out quickly isn’t necessary. If I find myself doing that in 2023 I’ve made a promise to take 2 steps back but, I will continue to pour my heart & soul into everything I am passionate about and that definitely includes ultra running. I know my body all the more so and I am listening to it louder heading into 2023. Most of all, I am lucky I have such a great support system (including a wonderful partner, great friends, a loving family and a very motivating coach) who haven’t told me to back down from what I love to do the most instead, have encouraged me to get on after it! With that being said, I am really excited for the year ahead and ready to get back to to the structured training life with much more energy, optimism and enthusiasm than last year.